What I Have Learned

I have learned how to be quiet and say what only needs to be said. This was hard at the beginning, but I'm much better at it. Consequently, I took off today to see what a day off would be like. He was around, but since I've become so independent, it didn't matter. Good for me!!

Tragedy and Success

For the last year, my friends have been receiving prank phone calls that were always blocked. They were horrific calls as when prospective in-laws were called and told that my friends families were.............. This came to a head when in September of 2011, my husband forgot to press Blocked and my friends discovered that he had called the Roto-Rooter man and ordered Mario's Piazza food for their entire family. This came to a head on a Sunday, when my girlfriend told me the story. I burst into racking tears and called Hilary. f he does it again, they will call the police and lock him up.

I have decided to have nonsensical conversations with him that don't include discussing anyone that I know and I have gotten much better at it. I also put myself back into therapy because if I am to retire, I need to be comfortable in my own home.

DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTING CHILDREN

Artificial insemination is a very interesting concept. The man is not the Father. That leaves the Mother. But, she is only one half of the equation. If the children, or the 1/2 siblings follow the Father's line, then, in essence, you have adoption.

Once that is established, if the children are nothing like you, you must accept deviant behavior because they are adopted and certain inherited characteristics you can't change. You can always play pretend, but eventually, for your own health you must move on.

That's the point that I have reached. I believe that the end came the day I was told that IT WASN'T ABOUT ME. That showed no compassion.

The question remained, how to move on?? Distancing and the use of technology worked very well. Texting is great and so are e-mails. Nonsense discussion work well also. Plus logic!! For example, I could have easily gone to Westhampton during the weekends, but why. Things will no longer be the way they were and I have no desire to repeat the past.

Historians study the past to make the present better. That is what I have done and I believe that by distancing and nonsensical conversations, my life is moving forward.

Silence is Golden

I have truly found a way to have an enjoyable Shabbos!! Silence!! I was told that years ago by very bright people. But, I didn't listen or I was too young to listen. I wanted companionship. I had this crazy idea that we would meld together and become friends. I worked very hard on that concept.

I read a book for my Meditation class called THE ART OF LOVE. I now understand that we were really not meant to be despite all my plugging away at it. I have also come to terms with my successes and failures. The biggest success of my life is work. Perhaps that is what I always wanted, but society said, marry and have children. I did. These were my biggest failures. But, after reading the book, I came to terms with it.

It was very easy to be quiet today. I really had nothing to say since I had worked all this out and I was able to enjoy everything about the day. I no longer feel depressed or upset.

I'm just proud of my successes.

Later That Evening!!!!

After annoying me for an entire year because I didn't go to the Hamptons (perhaps his meds, looks, diet and exercise for CHF could have been the reason coupled with I knew it) we finally had a beautiful Easter Sunday or the intermediate days of Passover. Did we go?? I'm sure that even an idiot would know the answer. He claimed that his arm hurt and that he had a cold, yet, he was willing to put the screens in the windows.

How did I handle this?? Very quietly. I said that he should make the decision and when he did, I didn't react at all. That dance that we used to do is gone, where I would beg and cry to go. He isn't used to the new me, but, I find it beyond relaxing. I cleaned 4 closets and am almost ready for summer.

It goes to show you what you learn from yoga and meditation.

The Value of Meditation and Yoga

Thanks to both yoga and meditation, I was so able to cope with the Passover holidays. I live in the present and I'm not responsible for anyone, but myself. When my older daughter told me that she wouldn't be on time for the first seder, my response was that we would start without her. Needless to say that she got there on time. When the younger one ate chamatz in my house (Extra Chocolate Mint gum),I didn't acknowledge it. There is an Almighty in heaven. They will deal wit Him, not me at this point in their lives.

As far as he goes, he tried to tell me that he hates the holiday. I love it and at that point, I chose to be quiet, relying on chores to fill the void.

I'm not the same needy person with the Disneyland fantasies that I was last year. I practice Yoga twice a week in a studio. I practice meditation in two different classes. I read, walk, attend book clubs and attend services. I also work full-time.

I'm proud of myself. To celebrate this, I have purchased an OM which I will wear to work proudly on Wednesday when I go back to work.

Better Than I Was

Dear Forward,

Yoga and Meditation have helped me to live in the present and to enjoy my own life. The rest is just background to the fun I so richly deserve after years of hard work with no reward. I am happy with myself for the first time because no one can upset me. I really don't care!

I Almost Got Myself Screwed

Dear Forward:

Tonight at dinner, and I can't even tell you how this came up, but the husband told me that his brother and the wife came every weekend to visit him. I felt rage in my throat as I realized that it was the hospital that the brother had chosen, the one I couldn't get to. I was just about to make a comment, but then I didn't and I chose to write to you. Nothing really changed, EXCEPT ME!!! I don't give a damn and chose not to ruin my night by saying a word. So far, I've done quite well. It was tough all week, but, I kept to my schedule and that made it all worthwhile. I also know that on Monday I will be back at work and that's why I scheduled activities all week.

VACATION!!!!!

Dear Forward,

This vacation needs to be structured if I want to have a good time. I have promised myself not to engage in any conversation that is not global.I have many different strategies so I will not get caught. I'm not going to think about the past and the people who tried to destroy my life. I have survived what they did thanks to God's help. I scheduled some nice things for myself too such as a manicure/pedicure, book club discussions, playing mah jong and a yoga lesson. I'm even getting a Brazilian treatment for my hair. If I mess up, it will be my fault!!!!

Coping on Saturdays

Dear Forward,

The husband who ignored you on Wednesday, remember, now wants to be your best friend on Saturday. You have always been an outspoken person and would love to say, "leave me the hell alone", after the way he tried to destroy your life. But, that would ruin Saturday. It remains to be seen what you will do.

LATER!

We are now in evening. The solution has many parts. I need to have a structured day with many things to do. I did. I said my prayers, I read two newspapers (THE TIMES and NY NEWSDAY) while I ate breakfast. Then I turned on the heat in the den and finished a book for my next book club. I also practiced Yoga and did a Meditation. Then I took a shower. If I had to talk, which was rare, I discussed what I was doing. He's not a bright man and couldn't care less what I was doing. Very early in the game, I won!!!!!

Tonight we are going to see Blue Valentine, the story of a marriage that falls apart. It too will become a global conversation.

That's how one does Saturday. It was a good Shabbos. I feel very rested!!!!

I should tell you that the older one called and will speak with me tomorrow. Who knows when my tomorrow is!!!!

NUT CASES HANDLED THIS WEEK!!!!

Dear Forward,

I think that I handled myself quite well this week considering the people that I have to deal with. I imagine that everyone has these kinds of problems with family and I am congratulating myself upon developing a series of strategies to deal with these people.

I have decided that I will speak to my older daughter ONLY during weekdays in twitter like conversations. That way, I do not have to hear about freezing her eggs, her lack of Judiasm, her disrespect for me when I have a problem or her Iraqi boyfriend. So far, it's working. Her father and she have much in common, as they are both excellent at lying. It's his turn to speak to them anyway as I had many years of grief. It works because he has CHF and they feel sorry for him.

The younger one is totally nuts. I called her yesterday. She answered the phone, didn't say, "hello", but proceeded to continue a conversation with someone else. I held the phone for 9 minutes and then said, "hello" again. She hung up. So much for speaking to her over the weekend. However, she did call on Friday. I avoided the call by letting her speak to her father.

My husband wants me to retire and buy a condo. I had a snow day this week. He was supposed to clean the house. He wanted to clean again. He promised to do it my way. Except, on this day, he didn't Windex the bathroom walls, (they should be done once a week) because they were clean. Because I wanted to take the job away from him, which I did, he sneered at me all day. For a normal person, this could be torture. But, I structured the day by cleaning, doing laundry, changing sheets, using the computer, taking pictures, loading photos of the weather on I-Photo, reading, practicing yoga and meditation.

Happily I went to work the next day. From my office, I could tell him what a "shit" (I didn't use this term) he was and to forget about the condo or the retirement. I would have to be crazy to do either. Smaller quarters with him???? Nuts!! Retirement??? With him??? Nuts! Of course now, he is in his phony mode and he hopes I will fall for it.

Did I tell you about the truck accident this week?? Thank goodness that it was his fault, not mine!!!!

Then the most amazing thing happened. The mail came and in it was a prescription for Viagra!!! It would totally amaze you to know that we haven't had relations since I was 41 because he didn't like to and I quote, "touch my body down there." I told him that if this was the case, we could forget sex. We did, for 22 years! Why now, you ask? His cardiologist said that it would be good for him. I did very well with this too. I didn't answer!!!!