MOVING FORWARD

The last 3 years have been horrible ones for me.   

I'm not the same person that I was.

I am much stronger and capable.

I know how to handle people with stillness.

It works!

What I Have Learned

I have learned how to be quiet and say what only needs to be said. This was hard at the beginning, but I'm much better at it. Consequently, I took off today to see what a day off would be like. He was around, but since I've become so independent, it didn't matter. Good for me!!

Tragedy and Success

For the last year, my friends have been receiving prank phone calls that were always blocked. They were horrific calls as when prospective in-laws were called and told that my friends families were.............. This came to a head when in September of 2011, my husband forgot to press Blocked and my friends discovered that he had called the Roto-Rooter man and ordered Mario's Piazza food for their entire family. This came to a head on a Sunday, when my girlfriend told me the story. I burst into racking tears and called Hilary. f he does it again, they will call the police and lock him up.

I have decided to have nonsensical conversations with him that don't include discussing anyone that I know and I have gotten much better at it. I also put myself back into therapy because if I am to retire, I need to be comfortable in my own home.

DEALING WITH DISAPPOINTING CHILDREN

Artificial insemination is a very interesting concept. The man is not the Father. That leaves the Mother. But, she is only one half of the equation. If the children, or the 1/2 siblings follow the Father's line, then, in essence, you have adoption.

Once that is established, if the children are nothing like you, you must accept deviant behavior because they are adopted and certain inherited characteristics you can't change. You can always play pretend, but eventually, for your own health you must move on.

That's the point that I have reached. I believe that the end came the day I was told that IT WASN'T ABOUT ME. That showed no compassion.

The question remained, how to move on?? Distancing and the use of technology worked very well. Texting is great and so are e-mails. Nonsense discussion work well also. Plus logic!! For example, I could have easily gone to Westhampton during the weekends, but why. Things will no longer be the way they were and I have no desire to repeat the past.

Historians study the past to make the present better. That is what I have done and I believe that by distancing and nonsensical conversations, my life is moving forward.

Silence is Golden

I have truly found a way to have an enjoyable Shabbos!! Silence!! I was told that years ago by very bright people. But, I didn't listen or I was too young to listen. I wanted companionship. I had this crazy idea that we would meld together and become friends. I worked very hard on that concept.

I read a book for my Meditation class called THE ART OF LOVE. I now understand that we were really not meant to be despite all my plugging away at it. I have also come to terms with my successes and failures. The biggest success of my life is work. Perhaps that is what I always wanted, but society said, marry and have children. I did. These were my biggest failures. But, after reading the book, I came to terms with it.

It was very easy to be quiet today. I really had nothing to say since I had worked all this out and I was able to enjoy everything about the day. I no longer feel depressed or upset.

I'm just proud of my successes.

Later That Evening!!!!

After annoying me for an entire year because I didn't go to the Hamptons (perhaps his meds, looks, diet and exercise for CHF could have been the reason coupled with I knew it) we finally had a beautiful Easter Sunday or the intermediate days of Passover. Did we go?? I'm sure that even an idiot would know the answer. He claimed that his arm hurt and that he had a cold, yet, he was willing to put the screens in the windows.

How did I handle this?? Very quietly. I said that he should make the decision and when he did, I didn't react at all. That dance that we used to do is gone, where I would beg and cry to go. He isn't used to the new me, but, I find it beyond relaxing. I cleaned 4 closets and am almost ready for summer.

It goes to show you what you learn from yoga and meditation.

The Value of Meditation and Yoga

Thanks to both yoga and meditation, I was so able to cope with the Passover holidays. I live in the present and I'm not responsible for anyone, but myself. When my older daughter told me that she wouldn't be on time for the first seder, my response was that we would start without her. Needless to say that she got there on time. When the younger one ate chamatz in my house (Extra Chocolate Mint gum),I didn't acknowledge it. There is an Almighty in heaven. They will deal wit Him, not me at this point in their lives.

As far as he goes, he tried to tell me that he hates the holiday. I love it and at that point, I chose to be quiet, relying on chores to fill the void.

I'm not the same needy person with the Disneyland fantasies that I was last year. I practice Yoga twice a week in a studio. I practice meditation in two different classes. I read, walk, attend book clubs and attend services. I also work full-time.

I'm proud of myself. To celebrate this, I have purchased an OM which I will wear to work proudly on Wednesday when I go back to work.